Saturday, November 17, 2012

I remember you

Do you ever view the past version of yourself as a separate entity? Childhood Amanda. This past version of yourself that you view fondly like a little sister, wondering what small efforts you can make to appease her. What goals did she have, and have I achieved them for her? I wish that she had made a list of goals, so that I could go through it with my adult pen, checking off these little girl dreams just to be sure I’ve made Childhood Amanda happy. Not necessarily for a sense of accomplishment, but simply as a nod to the past. Yes, I remember you and what you wanted and even if our life has taken a different path than originally thought, I will do this small token for you. I wonder if this is what some people mean when they talk about your ‘inner child’. When this aspect of yourself takes control and you do something pointless yet satisfying. Or perhaps we do not lose control but rather we put ourselves out there as a sacrifice to who we once were.   An adult who in remembrance of their youth, does something spontaneous just to wink at the past. This is why I paint. Even though I know I am not good at it, I know Childhood Amanda wanted to be a painter. This is why my nose is pierced and I have a tattoo-spontaneity at its prime. That little girl wanted to be a writer too, so here I am.
          Do you have these moments? In an attempt to honor a childhood dream, you take that silly risk. Just for her.



  1. Oh, goodness this post resonated on so many levels with me. Forget recognising the girl I was, I struggle to remember the young bride or the new mother. When I go through old photos, I feel like I'm peeking in at someone else's life! Although one of my most powerful childhood memories is crunching through Autumn leaves with my mother, making the most delightful noises. Something about the smell of Autumn will always bring those memories flooding back.

    1. I know what you mean, sometimes I look back at the girl who got married at 18 and it is hard to find similarities with myself in just the 5 years that has passed by!